Tuesday, March 22, 2005

The Marriage Question

For some reason, the fact that I'm alone always seems to come up in conversation, even at work. We were having a going-away party for a coworker. Another coworker brings a karaoke machine. Me, being a ham, I jump at it and wow them with my rendition of Michael Jackson's "Billy Jean". Later, Seaberry and the Straylets (my boss and two other coworkers) knock 'em dead with a rendition of Kool and the Gang's "Celebrate" (or is it "Celebration"? Who knows). Now it's "Wow, Markus, I thought you were shy". "I am shocked". And my favorite, now that people see that I have a personality and a sense of humor, "Do you have a girlfriend?" and "Do you see yourself getting married soon?" These questions bother me. Why do they bother me? Because they bring out deep-rooted anxieties and fears.
I never have been a ladies' man. Since kindergarten, there have been problems. Like Latasha Wooden. She rejected me, and I loudly whispered, "Well, if that mother-BLEEP! don't like me, I don't like her". And thus, my misfortune with the "fairer" sex continued. Actually, I have only had one girlfriend. She was my then-best friends' sister, and it was very juvenile. Neither of us had a car or a license. We basically talked on the phone all day; I was sixteen. I consider this a pseudo-realtionship. I used to count it as a real relationship to make myself feel good, but I'm tired of lying to myself. There have been other attractions and unrequited interests, but either the person doesn't want me or I screw it up. This trend has continued even into my late twenties. A lot of it stems from my childhood. I was picked on, okay, I was the Human Target, to be truthful. I've estimated the age that most people figure out their game plan for dealing with the opposite sex. It's around the ages of 13-18. I didn't get what most people got. I exiled myself because I wanted to avoid further ridicule. It affected me socially. I am not trying to get pity. Actually, this was a mistake. I have been playing an eternal game of catch up. I never went to the Prom. I don't even know if I have had a real date. I liked a girl a few years ago, and we went out, but she said, "I only date people I see myself marrying. We're just kicking it." She reinforced this a few more times. I've maybe been on one "date" since then. That was last year. I took a female friend to the $3 matinee showing of Resident Evil:Apocalypse. I want to reiterate that this is not being written for pity. I don't know what the heck I am doing and I am twenty-eight. Basically, I have no hope. I can't even visualize a wife and kids anymore. I believe that I may be destined to be alone forever.
I said all that to explain why "The Marriage Question" bothers me. I don't think I ever WILL get married. I have been alone most of my life. As a matter of fact, I can't really accept the possibility of being with someone. When a female shows interest, I screw it up, because I don't know how to handle it. As much as I used to hate loneliness, it has now become my comfort zone. Also, I don't really have the experience or the logic to support marriage. I have sat and thought about why I feel a need to get married and have kids. What do I come up with? I want to get married because people bother me and ask me all the time. I want kids because I have a problem how a lot of the men who have my last name (such as my biological father) have acted. I consider myself "the white sheep" of the Seaberry clan. I had wanted to breed a new generation of kids and have a legacy. Selfish reasons. Not once have I talked about how I could benefit my mate or my child. I am a caring person. I try to help people. But, I am a little selfish. I am really not ready to sacrifice or deal with the issues in relationships or parenting. Confrontations frustrate me. I try to avoid them. Sometimes, in my workplace, I will leave the room when I see one about to start. I feel justified, because, as you can see, I have enough internal issues to deal with. I'm sorry this blog is such a downer today, but that's how I feel. Do I ever see myself getting married? I honestly don't know.


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