Saturday, April 08, 2006

Reality Check

First of all, I hate working on Saturdays. Second of all, I didn't do squat yesterday, so I had time to reflect on Markus Month. I mean, I guess I could consider it a blessing. Signing autographs is cool. The next day, my high came down. Oh, yeah, that's right, I still have a crummy day job and people in my face. I'm such a celebrity. I guess I needed that. What it comes down to is this: I am not a star. Yet. Sure, I talk noise, and I take pride in being one of the hardest-working actors in this town, but, honestly, it feels empty when I am back at my job. When I'm on stage, or watching myself, or chilling out after a good premiere, it feels so good. It's my drug. Then, when it's gone, my high comes down. People say I'm obsessive, people say I do too much. Hell, if you've thought that about me, you're not too far from the truth. But I feel like all a person has is faith, hopes, dreams. Those are the intangibles that cannot be physically taken from you. That's about it for me. Like I said, I thank God for my job and not being on the street, but I don't really care for it. Family life? Well, I've always been the weird one, the dreamer, or the overly moral one who spoils the fun. My cousins, even the ones younger than me, have kids. I don't, and I can't relate. I definitely can't relate to my uncles and aunts. They talk about old times and regular stuff. I kinda hate regular stuff. My crazy aspirations in entertainment don't hold much weight. Love life? Hell, what's that? My girl is the acting game, and she's flirtatious, temperamental, a tease, and a royal witch. But I stay there, because those brief moments of pleasure make me forget about all the bad times. At least for a minute. It's one of the few things that I enjoy that I can talk to a lot of people about. And also, as self-absorbed as this may sound, it validates me and keeps me from being ordinary. I just don't want to be ordinary with a 9 to 5. I mean no disrespect to those who are content with that, but I never wanted it. I just can't accept that that's all there is. Also, I don't want any more what-ifs. Even if I fall flat on my face, at least I won't wonder. I said all this to say that even though I've done good, I still haven't "arrived". I can count the number of times I've gotten paid for acting. I feel like even though I hustle, perhaps I need to hustle more. If I give up now, it would be like surrendering myself to a mundane existence. I can't do that. I want to be free of the day job existence more than anything. Even more than the whole wife and kids thing. I just want to be able to call some of my own shots and not wake up every day and just survive. I want to enjoy life. My mom always quotes TD Jakes and says, "The only thing you should look for from your job is a paycheck". She also says that everybody hates their jobs until payday. I just can't accept that. I refuse to accept that. I know I have God-given talents and abilities. I have to do something with them. Hopefully, I could also provide for my parents one day, hook my big brother up for always looking out for me and rescuing me from the hood, and make sure that my little cousins won't have to worry about college. The hustle isn't just for me, it's so that me and my people can benefit. So, until me and my people are rich...the struggle continues. Keep hustling. Be easy, readers.


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