Reevaluation

I was a little down. It seems like everybody I know is on Black Snake Moan. The homegirl Arnita (Westwoood!) and my homeboy Vince, both of Keenon Nikita's film Just The Two of Us, as well as Angela Davis of Just the Two of Us are all supposed to be extras. Then I found out this guy named Jason, also of Just the Two of Us, has a role. Then last night I found out that Nataki, soon to be playing the lead in Spin Cycle (Pittstop Productions, what!) has an extra role. I was a little pissed. I had tried to get in Hustle and Flow, and for Black Snake Moan I had even gotten callbacks and an outside shot at being Samuel Jackson's stand-in. I whined about it. I probably got on people's nerves talking about it. But, honestly...even though I still hope they call me, it doesn't matter. I don't do this just for the money. I do this for the love first. For that feeling I get when I'm on set and I'm creating something. I may not use paint and brushes, but I am an artist. Whether film, poetry, or hip-hop, I have to create. I have to live my dreams. To me, life without dreams is like dying a slow death. I would just be walking around like a zombie or something. I know that I have done good work. Am I as good as I like to think I am sometimes? Probably not. But I have done some good work, and I worked hard. I refuse to let not being picked by that film invalidate my dream. I have been blessed to do some good work with a lot of cool people. Arnold Edwards, Jarrod, Tommy Kha, Dayna Hinkel, Arnita Williams, Bryan Newcomb, Keenon Nikita, Rod Pitts, Aaron Jones, Ashley Davis, Eli Walls, LaVita, Lauryn, Tiffany Pemberton, Glen Ring, Vince, Angela, Carole Rowland, Sarah Essen, Travis Stone, Jon Sparks, etc. I have enjoyed working with these people. These people inspire me and are cool to be around. My Indie Memphis family kicks butt and takes names. If I can't get the role, then I'd rather one of them got the role. I appreciate the kind words that each of you have had for me. If I didn't mention your name and you are cool with me, know that it was an oversight. I have come so close to living my dream. I am living my dream, albeit on a small scale. I can't stop. I'm a little bit obsessed. Arnold would call me an "acting whore", but I think obsessed sounds a little less desperate. My focus has returned. I may be in the indie ranks a little bit longer, but I know that I will get the call someday. Hey, I know I have some commercials in my future, if nothing else. I am an actor. A large part of acting is disappointment and rejection. But I would gladly go through fifty nos for that one yes. That one shot, that chance to lay it all on the line and live this crazy dream. I'm dusting myself off and getting back in the saddle. If you thought I hustled in 2005, you ain't seen nothing yet! I need this like I need the air that I breathe. The arts are freedom to me. Be easy, readers. Peace.