Maybe it's me

I was recently called out by my two friends for last week's rant (You Don't Want No Problems) that was only partially directed at them. I suppose I should apologize for airing dirty laundry on the net, so here we go: My bad. That's as good as you're gonna get. It's not like I named names, geez! I do have to admit, though, that that conversation probably wouldn't have started had I not let my emotions get the better of me and used an expletive. They made good points about a certain African-American female host who shall remain nameless (rhymes with Okra), but honestly, I still don't care for her, her show, or that blowhard hack doctor that she unleashed upon the world...let's call him Dr. "Bill". I will strive not to let my emotions get the better of me.

On to other topics, I recently sent around one of those forms where your friends are asked information about you. The question that shocked me the most is, "Am I shy or outgoing?" One friend said, "Shy around females, outgoing around men". Most friends said, "A mixture of both". One newer friend said "Shy". Like so many Geminis in this world, I am tragically misunderstood. I am NOT shy. I am guarded. I study people at first, find out where their comfort levels are, how far I can take jokes, do they curse, etc. Maybe I'm wrong, but I try to be cognizant and mindful of people's comfort zones. Also, I'm not very trusting. I have to see where you are, if you have a shred of decency, if you are worthy of the attention of M.Sea the Great (half joking, here, people). When it comes to girls, that's not being shy, that's just plain ol' fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, and nervousness. I am more than capable of conversation with the opposite sex, as long as there's either no attraction or I don't think I have a chance. Without these variables in place, even a great wordsmith like myself can stumble. I know what you're thinking, "Not M.Sea the Great! Why, his mastery of the English language is impeccable, unparalleled, pragmatic, even (said in a Snagglepuss voice...if you don't know, watch Cartoon Network or Boomerang). Hey, everybody has their Achilles heel, and mine has been fear. I let fear keep me from standing up to bullies when I was younger, from interacting with more girls at a younger age, and I think it stunted my radio career somewhat, too. That's what it is. I have to beat it, because fear and God cannot occupy the same space. I've even come to question the Christian leanings of my youth because of my struggles with fear. I pray that I can overcome this as it has lead to a lot of discomfort. It also leads to me being misunderstood. Some think I'm shy, some think I'm crazy. I'm not shy at all, maybe quiet sometimes. I'm not the type to run my mouth on a subject that I don't know about, or at a time when someone else has the floor. People misunderstand this and attach that dreaded SHY label. People just don't really know me. I am quiet when someone else has their moment or when I am thinking or focused. When the spotlight is on me, I work the crowd. Unlike some people on the stage of life, I am not always "on". But dead that shy talk, son. I choose my spots. In the game of conversation, I choose to let the game come to me. Sometimes I feel as though God is the only one who really gets me. Perhaps he's the only one who needs to. Be easy.

P.S. Yet another zing in my ongoing blog war with Dr. Augustus Q. Fro (blacksupervillain.blogspot.com). Dr, huh? That fool has a mail-order degree. He's a doctor of bougie studies with concentrations in Burberry styling and ascot folding. He's an atrocious aristocrat. And, I have pictures of him and Dora the Explorer in a "compromising situation".

Random rants 3-30-05

I really don't have a unifying topic today, so here are my random rants. Rant 1: Why is it that streets in good neighborhoods have long, beautiful names like Whispering Brook Cove while the hood streets are named after states or other one word items, like Southern and Prescott? I stayed on Southern in Orange Mound (a well-known Memphis ghetto) for quite some time. That's wack! Why can't people in the hood get some streets with elegant names? Hood people like nice things too!
Rant 2: KRS-One (old-school rapper) is coming to town and my boys (local rappers Iron Mic Coalition) are opening up for him! That freaking rocks! I will be there in full effect, Booyyeeee!
Excuse me, I had an old school 80s moment. I was about to pull out a linoleum mat and bust some moves (okay, not really).
Rant/request 3: Pray for my stepfather, who is undergoing surgery soon. He seems okay about it, but I'm shook. Also, pray for my cousin who had a stroke while pregnant. The baby is fine, but she is still having difficulties.
Rant 4: What Goes Around (the movie my buddy and I have been working on) is almost done. And, we are one audition away from cementing the cast for his next movie, Spin Cycle. I'm gonna be a contenda! Yaaayyyy!

P.S. Those who follow my blog know I have to diss Augustus Q. Fro at blacksupervillain.blogspot.com, so here goes. Fro makes quiches (which we all know real men don't eat) in his little cousin's Easy Bake Oven. Be easy.

Lovers and Friends?

One thing that I seem to have noticed is that when two people in a group of friends decide to be more than friends, it can lead to several problems. Everytime these people have a dispute, the whole crew knows it. It can be very overwhelming. Also, if the relationship doesn't end well, it can get very uncomfortable. Who has to bow out of gatherings until things cool over? Also, both people could show up, resulting in some very tense moments. I know of one couple that met and used to hang out with a group of friends. Actually, this is the main crew that I hang with. They have managed to rise above the drama and people in their business and have thrived. I have seen three other episodes of attraction within my crew that have ended horribly. Sadly, the "crew love" is now continuing. Readers, I will not name names because I don't want to alienate my friends...or tick them off. It is just uncomfortable and awkward when "crew love" ends badly. Actually, it's starting to work my nerves. I wish my friends would just find people outside of the "circle of trust" (rent Meet The Parents). I don't know if I can stomach much more "he said, she said", "What's up with your boy, he ain't gotta be like that" conversations. Goodness, people, just calm down. Maybe I am being short-sighted, but it makes me not want to mess with anybody in my crew. Of course, the females that I thought about really aren't feeling me. However, if someone should change their mind or if some new, pretty young thing should attach herself to my crew, I may have to think twice. Lonely as I am, I am tired of the drama. Any way you look at it, Lovers and Friends can be a very volatile combination. I get enough drama from watching Alias and The O.C. Be easy.

P.S. Another diss in my continuing feud with Dr. Augustus Q. Fro (Blacksupervillain.blogspot.com), I would like the world to know that he still sleeps with a night-light.

A View at the Movies: Guess Who?

On Friday, I saw Guess Who? The premise is that Ashton Kutcher (That 70's Show) and Zoe Saldana (Pirates of the Caribbean) are an interracial couple who are engaged. Saldana's character decides to announce their engagement at her parents' renewing of their vows. This will also be the first time that her family has met her Caucasian boyfriend. She did not mention his ethnicity to her parents, either. Bernie Mac plays Saldana's father. Of course, they get off on the wrong foot. Mac uncovers secrets about him and gets in trouble with his wife, Kutcher's character is also in hot water. There is a lot of comedy and a lot of conflict. My favorite scene would have to be a family dinner where Bernie Mac and his father(Hal Williams of TV's 227) ask him to tell any Black jokes that he knows. It starts out funny, but gets tense very fast. Niecy Nash of Reno 911 is also hilarious as a friend of the family. It took me a while to warm up to this movie because of my current frustrations in the love department and my lack of success with parents (mainly female) but I have to admit that it was funny. I guess my only complaint was that everything worked out perfectly, but that's the Hollywood way, I guess. Guess Who? also has the obligatory wedding dance scenes which Mac and Kutcher accentuate with their comedic timing. Overall, I give Guess Who? 3.5 stars. The theater that I saw it in, however, also gets a review. A very negative review. While viewing this movie at the Palace, (Old Summer Road, Memphis, TN) the projector got off track twice. Since the projector was running automatically, we had to deal with these complaints for long periods of time. More importantly, the Palace has a history of projector problems. I am sick of that place. They need to get their act together. The Palace gets 1 star. They stink. They need to close down and discuss a new strategy. Please.

P.S. To add more fuel to the fire of my internet "beef" with blacksupervillain.blogspot.com, all I have to say is Augustus Q. Fro still wears pajamas with footies and a trap door on them.

Blog Wars

I am happier today. I apologize to those who felt I went too far yesterday. I speak from the heart, I'm brutally honest, even about myself. Today, since I am bored, I have to decided to follow in the tradition of several rappers and create a conflict with a rival in the hopes of attracting more readers. I am calling out Henchman #2 at blacksupervillain.blogspot.com. I could reveal his name, but I choose not to. I will say that he is very bougie(short for bourgeoise). This brother will sip root beer out of champagne glasses and watch CNN with a monocle. He is a member of the NPR Fan club (dork city). He listens to World Beat and Jazz. He's an Anglophile. The guy watches the BBC like it's the best invention since sliced bread. On top of all that, he's a supervillain. How dorky is that? Who talks about taking over the world all the time: Who are you, Pinky and the Brain (Late 90s Warner Brothers cartoon)? I think my blog is the best. He's lazy, he barely updates. He probably only has two entries now. "Diary of a Mad Black Supervillain" He even bit that from Tyler Perry, "great writer" that he is (that's another topic). Henchman #2, I'm calling you out, man. It's time for a blog war. By the time I'm done, you'll sell your computer and start writing sappy Folger's commercials or something. Get out the blog game, man. You're done.

Discalimer: This is my attempt at humor. We're really friends. I am just engaging in a fictional battle as a writing exercise and to waste time. Be easy.

You Don't Want No Problems

First of all, I should say that one of my unwritten rules to myself was to not write two somber blogs in a row. I'm breaking that rule today. In the process, I will try not to break my rule of no profanity (Mama might be reading).
Okay, I think I might need a break from humanity. I just don't have the energy for this bullcrap now. Last night, for instance. I was on the phone with some friends. I made one disparaging remark (okay, several with expletives) about a famous African-American talk show host that has a freaking cult following and has more commitment issues than an indecisive trapese artist (Me make funny...heh). All of a sudden I have to defend my disdain for said former shacking-up TV cult show leader. I didn't even want to go through that crap! I was highly agitated. Of course, I am now the bad guy, I'm too sensitive, and now I need to "man up", as one of my friends say. Well, guess what?

Screw That!

(Technically, that 's not cursing, Mom)

I don't feel like defending freaking points at 11:45 at night. During down time, I don't feel like no stinking debates (Still not cursing). I have no problem defending my view during serious matters, or physically defending myself. I just don't feel like I have to defend myself over trivial crap like, oh, say, my opinion of a totally screwed-up condescending talk show host that spawned another fat, balding blowhard touchy-feely doctor. I don't believe that life is some freakin' debate. I'm not Kirk Cameron in Say Anything, which is a very cheesy 80's movie (my specialty) about debates. People don't understand that I work in a place that I lovingly call Confrontation Central. I won't name it because, hey, I've gotta save something for my memoirs.

After that, I don't feel like any more "healthy, spirited discussion". If that makes me weird or different from everybody else, then cool. I never wanted to be average anyway. I am weird, maybe a little bit crazy. I'm still humorous, and I'm nice at karaoke (see yesterday's entry). I won't defend that, either. It's probably my ego, but I equate explaining with having to come down to other people's level. Guess what? I'm not other people, I'm Markus Seaberry. Also, I am a man because I handle my business, take care of my responsibility, and pay my bills (Anybody who starts humming that godawful Destiny's Child song, stand in the corner).

And I've just got one thing to say...okay, type, for those who doubt my manhood, say I'm too defensive, too sensitive, and am a little bit crazy, my response is this:

AHEM!

1. Find a quarter

2. Call someone who gives a flying rat's...fanny.

Honestly, I'm tired of playing by all these stinking unwritten rules. I'm one Publisher's Clearing House check away from withdrawing from humanity. Be Easy...or not, who gives a flying...flip.

P.S. For all those who thought I would curse, Hah! My vocabulary's nice, yo! (said with arms folded in a b-boy stance)

The Marriage Question

For some reason, the fact that I'm alone always seems to come up in conversation, even at work. We were having a going-away party for a coworker. Another coworker brings a karaoke machine. Me, being a ham, I jump at it and wow them with my rendition of Michael Jackson's "Billy Jean". Later, Seaberry and the Straylets (my boss and two other coworkers) knock 'em dead with a rendition of Kool and the Gang's "Celebrate" (or is it "Celebration"? Who knows). Now it's "Wow, Markus, I thought you were shy". "I am shocked". And my favorite, now that people see that I have a personality and a sense of humor, "Do you have a girlfriend?" and "Do you see yourself getting married soon?" These questions bother me. Why do they bother me? Because they bring out deep-rooted anxieties and fears.
I never have been a ladies' man. Since kindergarten, there have been problems. Like Latasha Wooden. She rejected me, and I loudly whispered, "Well, if that mother-BLEEP! don't like me, I don't like her". And thus, my misfortune with the "fairer" sex continued. Actually, I have only had one girlfriend. She was my then-best friends' sister, and it was very juvenile. Neither of us had a car or a license. We basically talked on the phone all day; I was sixteen. I consider this a pseudo-realtionship. I used to count it as a real relationship to make myself feel good, but I'm tired of lying to myself. There have been other attractions and unrequited interests, but either the person doesn't want me or I screw it up. This trend has continued even into my late twenties. A lot of it stems from my childhood. I was picked on, okay, I was the Human Target, to be truthful. I've estimated the age that most people figure out their game plan for dealing with the opposite sex. It's around the ages of 13-18. I didn't get what most people got. I exiled myself because I wanted to avoid further ridicule. It affected me socially. I am not trying to get pity. Actually, this was a mistake. I have been playing an eternal game of catch up. I never went to the Prom. I don't even know if I have had a real date. I liked a girl a few years ago, and we went out, but she said, "I only date people I see myself marrying. We're just kicking it." She reinforced this a few more times. I've maybe been on one "date" since then. That was last year. I took a female friend to the $3 matinee showing of Resident Evil:Apocalypse. I want to reiterate that this is not being written for pity. I don't know what the heck I am doing and I am twenty-eight. Basically, I have no hope. I can't even visualize a wife and kids anymore. I believe that I may be destined to be alone forever.
I said all that to explain why "The Marriage Question" bothers me. I don't think I ever WILL get married. I have been alone most of my life. As a matter of fact, I can't really accept the possibility of being with someone. When a female shows interest, I screw it up, because I don't know how to handle it. As much as I used to hate loneliness, it has now become my comfort zone. Also, I don't really have the experience or the logic to support marriage. I have sat and thought about why I feel a need to get married and have kids. What do I come up with? I want to get married because people bother me and ask me all the time. I want kids because I have a problem how a lot of the men who have my last name (such as my biological father) have acted. I consider myself "the white sheep" of the Seaberry clan. I had wanted to breed a new generation of kids and have a legacy. Selfish reasons. Not once have I talked about how I could benefit my mate or my child. I am a caring person. I try to help people. But, I am a little selfish. I am really not ready to sacrifice or deal with the issues in relationships or parenting. Confrontations frustrate me. I try to avoid them. Sometimes, in my workplace, I will leave the room when I see one about to start. I feel justified, because, as you can see, I have enough internal issues to deal with. I'm sorry this blog is such a downer today, but that's how I feel. Do I ever see myself getting married? I honestly don't know.

A View at the Movies: Man of the House

I saw Man of the House over the weekend. Yeah, I'm a little behind on the movies. I've been sick, gimme a break (geez, I'm defensive). The premise is basically that five University of Texas cheerleaders witness a murder and, in stereotypical cheerleader fashion, they fuss and bicker about the appearance of the killer. So, Tommy Lee Jones' Texas Ranger character has to live with them and guard them at all times. To accomplish this, he goes undercover as their strength and conditioning coach. There are cute, funny hijinks. There are also funny subplots involving Tommy Lee Jones and his estranged daughter and the cheerleaders helping Jones' character woo a college professor. Cedric the Entertainer is also funny as an ex-con turned preacher that Jones repeatedly hassles for information. I was almost sold...until the climax. The cheerleaders help Jones foil a kidnapping plot related to the murder they witnessed, and it was so unbelievable. It even involved them using their cheerleading skills. It just was not believable at all to me. Also, Christina Milian's character seems a little wooden as the cheerleading captain. Only near the end does Milian's character loosen up. Also, most of the girls are basic characters: The dumb blonde who's smart if she applies herself, the smart blonde who worries too much, the lustful Latina girl, and other broad generalizations. The girls' characters really don't evolve. Maybe I'm asking for too much from a comedy, but it's just not believable. So, Man of the House receives 2.5 pom poms from me. Two are for Tommy Lee Jones, the half is for Cedric the Entertainer; he rarely disappoints me in his movies. No comment on his short-lived TV show. Be easy.

Introduction Part II:Attack of the Clowns (Much More Scarier Than Clones)

I guess I should explain why I called this blog "A View From the Middle" (YaaY!) Bacically, I feel like I am in the middle. I make a lower-middle class salary, I'm not homeless but I'm not rich, and I a have a dream that I have yet to achieve. Basically, my life is grayer than the smoke that billows out of factories (poetic, right?). That's my explanation. That's my story and I'm sticking with it. I hope and pray that I do not remain in the middle. Hopefully, I achieve success, and people can say "I knew him when". They may also say "M. Sea was a bit of a jerk", but, hey, I don't care (much). So I now begin this fantastic journey. I hope it will be interesting, relevant, meaningful, and therapeutic...for me, at least.
Be Easy.

Introduction

Hello, World. This is my first attempt at a diary or journal in years. I was never focused enough to write. But, I decided that if I wanted to start writing more, I've got to start somewhere. Let me introduce myself. My name is Markus Seaberry. I am a 28-year old African-American male. I have a library job at a small university. I have dabbled in radio, but my main off-duty activity/get-rich slow scheme (Why lie) is acting. I have been in a few independent films. In fact, yesterday I helped one of my up and coming director friends out with casting for our very independent, you ain't gettin' paid a damn thing type film. It was cool. I have to confess, I'm a bit of a ham. Also, I have delusions of grandeur. I never wanted to be a nine-to-five suit. Of course, I didn't want to be a one-to-ten suit (with Fridays and Saturdays nine-to-one) either. So, I still try to live my dreams and find my "spot up in that light" (Andre 3000, 1996). So, here we are. I feel a need to write and sound off on my dreams, hopes, fears, and ambitions. I hope people like it. If not, I'm sorry, but I can't afford the fancy therapist. So, the World Wide Web is my next choice. I feel like this is a good introduction. I may come back later, but this is me in a nutshell. Forgive me if I ramble. It's what I do. Be Easy.